UK Varay's Journal

12:02am: Synopsis of my recovery from insanity..
Part I
"Third Person"

As of late, I've been going through alot.
I feel like I've been seeing my life from the outside.
As strange as it sounds, I've seen every possible outcome
of every situation I encounter and I've analyzed things
before I've chosen to react.

I'm beginning to understand the consequences of decisions
that I made in the past. There have been countless missed
opportunites that haunt me today because I chose not to
speak up.

Not to tell someone something, even though it needed to be said.
Not to let someone know how I truly felt.

I can see vividly the things that I should've held on to,
rather than letting thebam slip through my fingers...
Only to spend rovever chasing after them...

People have come back into my life lately...
One of my best friends, in particular (and he knows who he is)
has made me happy once again. I dont blame him for drifting
apart, but I thank him for making the effort to close the gap.

A certain girl (she knows who she is) has come back in too.
I seriously love this girl. She makes me happy, just by being her.
I'm really glad that we've begun hanging out again, too.

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Part II
"Goodbyes"

It's been a few weeks since I heard about Brandon's death. It still
gets to me when I'm alone. My thoughts always do. I wonder if it was
God's plan to have me run into him only days before he was taken away.
But nonetheless I thank God for giving me that one last chance to see
him and talk to him.

But I wish now that I would've stayed longer.
Or said a bit more.
Just...do anything to make that last encounter more memorable...
I know that I couldn't have saved him from the accident days later,
but I wish I could've let him know how much I cared that day...
I'll miss him.

Last week another friend was taken from me. Cirilo now lies with the angels
in the Kingdom of Heaven. I know he's there becuase he had the heart of an
angel. And there's no way that God would let that sense of humor to go to
waste in hell.

I'll remember the times in high school when we'd get in trouble for not taking
anything seriously. I'll remember all the personalities and crazy impressions
he used to to to keep everone laughing. I'll remember seeing him holding his head
up high with pride when he wore his jersey to school on game days.
But most importantly...I'll remember how he left an impression on my heart.

To Bradon Brown and Cirilo Vilareal..Rest In Peace.


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Part III
"She holds my heart...and doesn't even know it"

There was a time when I knew how she felt.
When she didn't hide it from me (try as she might, I still knew).
But I was afraid. There was an age difference, and at the time, I
thought that I was too great. It wasn't only that, but there was the
thought of graduating and moving off...and I couldn't bring myself to
leave her...So I let the opportunity pass...

I loved her. With all of my heart...
I still do...
But the situation is different now. It's way more complicated and I hate it.
I've been gone from her life for nearly two years. I still see her, but I'm
not there like i was back then.
I want her to feel like she did two years ago, but I can't force that.
Every second I spend with her brings all the the feelings back.
When I look into her eyes, I see a reflection of myself...captivated by her.

She still holds my heart.
But she doesn't need it anymore.
She doesn't need me anymore.
And it hurts...

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Part IV.
"On a Similar Note"

I find myslef always playing matchmaker for girls that I feel for, and my own friends.
I know that in the end, my friends will hurt them, but the insist on having
me help them get their heartbroked by someone who doesn't care for them
half as much as I do...

I need to learn to speak up for myself...

12:23am: Welcome back
Before myspace began to eat away at me like a horrible drug addiction, I used to write in this almost daily. But, I strayed from that. I just recently logged back in and read all of my old entries (which are deleted now, with the exception of a few that amused me) and it made me want to get back into it. I write almost constantly, and this is much easier that writing blog after blog that no one will read on myspace becuase they're to busy bitching about their lack of comments on their mirror picture.

so anyway...

i changed my "about me" on myspace to this...
which shall be my first entry back:

The past few months of my life have opened my eyes to alot of things. I always thought I knew who I was, but it seems as though I was only preteneding to be what I thought everyone expected of me. I know now that I wasted time trying to conform to the beliefs and expectations of others.

I have made many changes in the way I think,
the way I react, and the way I live, and I now feel
stronger than I have ever been before...

This is due largely in part to my faith.
Not only in God (yes, I know God and I acccept,
Jesus Christ as my savior), but in my family,
and my friends, who may be few in numbers, but mean
more to me than the hundreds of fakes I associate with.

I love, and I do it unconditionally. I open my heart
and accept people for who they are, as long as they are
true to themselves. I'll never turn my back or laugh at anyone's
personal beliefs, as long as they believe it with all they have.

God is merciful...
And he has forgiven me for my wrongs...
He has forgiven my sins...
And he gave me the strength to make a change...

Whether you accept it or not, this is who I am.
This is who i'm proud to be.

11:22am: A Vulgar Display Of Inhumanity

RIP Dime.....

Which brings me to question the events of this inhumane event. The venue defends itself by stating that they were given no funding for metal detectors. Yet, in venues that do not have metal detectors, staff members are hired to pat people down at the gate. Going by the description of the man, heavyset man in a hockey jersey, I'm thinking that in no way was he able to afford a fucking James Bond style pistol that could be easily concealed. Who the hell checked this guy at the door? The venue seriously has some issues headed in it's direction. The entire staff should be fearing for the welfare of their families becuase they are all about to be fired, and perhaps sued by Dime's family. Secondly, where were the stagehandlers? It's their job to keep people off of the stage. I'm pretty sure that the gun was not revealed until the gunman was already on the stage. If it had been exposed in the pit, the guy would've gotten his ass kicked. They're Pantera/Damageplan fans for fucks sakes. The only thing valiant that was done by anyone, was the fact that a cop outside of the venue heard the shots go off and chose to go take out the gunman without backup. This guy is a fucking hero and should be praised. The gunman had already killed 5 people and critically injured another two. There was no end in sight, but the cop went in alone and took him down. His courage is something to be praised, but it wouldn't be necessary if the damn venue had just done their jobs. Our society's laziness disgusts me sometimes. Personally, I think that the cop should've let the gunman live. Let him go to prison. He wasn't deserving of the death sentence. Why, you ask? 98% of prison inmates listen to Pantera...It's a simple as that. A life in prison with convicted murderers, rapists, and terrrorists, all of whom idolized Pantera, would be much worse than death. They should have let his ass rot...literally. However, I do see the necessity for killing him to save the fans' lives. I'm sorry to all of the die-hard fans that had to witness an event of such catastrophic proportion...

1:47am: Forever So..
I had forgotten why my heart wept...
Until the moonlight embraced your beatuy...
I had forgotten why my soul ached...
Until you put your arms around me...
I had forgotten the tears my eyes did shed...
Until you placed your hand in mine...
I had forgotten why I died inside...
Until you let me in your mind...

For you...
I can be a hero
A savior, a man of valiant men
I've fought
I've cried, shed blood
And will until the end

You let me see inside your mind...
Your pain took my breath away...
You let me see inside your soul...
Your anguish stronger, day by day...
You let me feel life through your heart...
Your insecurity made me weak...
You let me see it through your eyes...
Your struggles of which I cannot speak...

I can be a hero
A savior, a man of valiant men
I've fought
I've cried, shed blood
And will until the end

11:59am: The Weight of it All
I have so much to say
Yet I can't...
I don't know how to express what I'm feeling...
Depression? Lethargy? Apathy?

I'm no stranger to distance
Yet I feel more secluded with each passing day
I reach out, but take hold of no one
I've never felt so alone...

I've grown accustomed to sleepless nights
Yet it's waking up that I dread
I can't go on another day like this
Leave me here, leave me be...

These callused hands have beheld my head
For far too many nights
Tears have soaked my cheeks
Cleansing my tattered soul...

Those I love, I always hurt...
Those that hurt me, I always love...
I look to the sky for a reason to go on
But the weight of my apathy bears down...

I never knew crimson lips
To tell such lies...
Tonight I take my life
In hopes of beathing again...
Close your eyes....

2:53pm: So I was at the mall the other day and I saw this poster that was all like "NEW!!! xbox!!! And I was like, what the hell straigtedge band is abbreviated B.O.? I remember breaker breaker went by xbbx. So, after 5 minutes my friend was like "dude, it says x-box." I was like son-of-a-bitch...

10:13pm: Land of Opportunity
Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is…
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”

Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I’ll sit at a drive thru.
I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.